You're Not Too Busy-You're Just Out of Practice
Why adult friendship and community feels hard, and what to do about it.
The Myth of Effortless Friendship
aka: If I wasn’t afraid to tell you the truth…
If I wasn’t afraid to tell you the truth, here’s what I’d say:
You’re lonely because you’re not putting in the effort to build real friendships—or to maintain the ones you already have.
I know that sounds harsh. And maybe it’s not true for everyone.
But if it’s hitting something in you… keep reading.
I love people. I love community. I have a lot of friends.
But none of that is accidental.
I work at it.
I drive two hours—one way—just to have lunch with a friend.
A few hours together, then two hours back.
Not to be a martyr. Not to prove anything.
But because I know how good I feel when I show up for people.
Because I know that relationships are the key to my joy, my sobriety, my overall well-being.
Your social life is like any part of your health:
You get out what you put in.
And the quality of your life is directly tied to the effort you’re willing to invest in your friendships.
So this is your loving nudge:
Call the friend.
Make the plan.
Drive the hours.
Send the message.
You’re not too busy to build community.
You’re just not in the habit yet.
But here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: people assume having a rich social life means you’re just naturally good at friendships. That you’re lucky. Charismatic. Surrounded by ride-or-die besties who just show up for you without asking.
That is a myth.
The truth is, most of us are lonely because we’re under-practiced.
We stopped putting in the effort—and now we think it’s supposed to be effortless.
What you don’t see behind the scenes of my friendships is the dozens of texts, the calendar reminders, the voice memos on my drive home from work. It’s the planning, the checking in, the making space in my schedule and in my heart for the people I care about. Yes, I miss things—I’ve missed birthdays, I’ve missed baby showers. I’m human. But on the whole, I show up. I make the effort.
And honestly? I see a steep decline in that effort across the board. Not just in my own relationships, but in my work.
As someone who’s spent the past three years building community—hosting hundreds of alcohol-free events and creating space for thousands of people—I’ve noticed a trend that’s hard to say out loud:
People don’t show up like they used to.
We RSVP and cancel the morning of. Or we ghost entirely. We say “I’ll try to come” and then we don’t. No explanation, no follow-up. Just… silence.
We say we’re protecting our peace or honoring our boundaries—but sometimes, that’s therapy-speak for avoidance. Or fear. Or disconnection. And it’s costing us our community.
The System Is Failing Us Too
Now, before I go full “just try harder!” on you, I want to hold space for something else: this isn’t all your fault.
The truth is, we’re trying to build community in a system that isn’t designed for it. I’ll go deeper into this in another essay, but for now, here are a few of the biggest barriers I see from the field—from my own life and the people I organize with:
1. Urban sprawl and poor infrastructure
In places like Ohio and Virginia (where I’ve lived), everything’s so spread out. If you don’t have a car, gas money, time, or someone to watch your kids, even a coffee date feels impossible. You need a village just to go on a walk.
2. We’re broke
Let’s just say it: unless you’re wealthy, you’re probably struggling financially right now. I am. My friends are. Dinner out can cost as much as a utility bill. But that doesn’t mean connection has to go. One of my best friendships is built entirely on long walks. Five or six miles. No reservations, no bar tabs. Just presence.
3. Social media has warped our expectations
We’ve been sold the idea that friendship should look like Pinterest dinner parties or influencer girls’ trips. But that’s not real life for most people. Real friendship is rarely aesthetic. It’s built in kitchens and backyards, on couches and sidewalks.
4. We’re tired
Because we’re broke, we hustle. Because we hustle, we’re tired. I get it. I’m building a business. I’m a military spouse. I’m exhausted most of the time. But I’ve learned that even when I don’t feel like going, I’m always glad I did. Every time I push past the fatigue and choose connection, I come home feeling more human.
5. The world feels heavy
News cycle burnout is real. Everything feels like too much. And when that happens, isolation becomes a coping mechanism. But it doesn’t actually help. What helps is someone sitting across from you saying, “Yeah, me too.” That’s where the healing is.
6. We don’t know how anymore
Here’s the quiet part: a lot of us don’t remember how to be friends. We’ve spent years canceling plans, DMing instead of calling, avoiding hard conversations. But social skills are just that—skills. And skills can be rebuilt.
Here’s Your Call to Action
This essay isn't a lecture—it’s a loving invitation. If what you read resonated with you, that’s enough to start. Here’s what you can do today:
Start small.
Send a text.
Reach out to one person—especially someone you haven’t talked to in a while. That’s it.
You might think it’ll be awkward. You might think they won’t care. But here’s the truth: we consistently underestimate how happy people are when we reach out.
A 2022 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who received a simple message—like a “just thinking of you” text—felt significantly more appreciated and connected than the sender expected. In fact, the more unexpected the message, the more meaningful it was.
In other words: you think it’s weird, but they’ll probably love it.
That one message could brighten their whole damn day.
You Don’t Need to Get It Perfect. Just Get It Going.
This isn’t about being a perfect friend or solving loneliness overnight. It’s about rebuilding muscle memory.
It’s about becoming someone who reaches out—especially when you don’t feel like it.
Because the return is so worth it.
Better mental health. Stronger resilience. Longer life.
(Yes, really. According to Harvard’s 85-year longitudinal study, the quality of our relationships is the biggest predictor of long-term health and happiness—not wealth, not status, not even exercise.)
So here’s your gentle nudge:
Text the person.
Send the meme.
Invite someone for a walk.
Say yes to something—even if you're tired.
You’re not too late to rebuild.
You’re not too broken to belong.
You’re just out of practice.
And practice starts today.